Funny Quotes

'All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. Thats his.'
Oscar Wilde (The Importance of Being Earnest)

'I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.'
Woody Allen

'Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry.'
Mike Kalin

'Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, where nobody can retrieve it.'
George Carlin

'That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say No in any of them.'
Dorothy Parker

'I am a Millionaire. That is my religion.'
George Bernard Shaw

'Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.'
Anon

'It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on
a tent.'
Dave Barry

'Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.'
Anon

'Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.'
Steven Wright

'Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.'George Carlin

'Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.'
Anon

' A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.'
W.C.Fields

'Continental people have a sex life, English people have hot water bottles.'
George Mikes

'It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.'
Woody Allen

'I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.'
Groucho Marx

'You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.'
Joe E Lewis

'Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their
noses when they're eating sandwiches.'
Jim Carrey

'Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.'
Ralph Bus

'Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple - Gwyneth Paltrow.'
Chris Rock

'If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?'
Anon

'For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.'
Anon

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."
Carl Gustav Jung

"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."
Winston Churchill

"A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking."
Arthur Block